How to not pull a Spitzer: Hooker vs. Girlfriend
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So let me get this straight: a politician spends an obscene amount of money screwing hookers, lies about it for years, is enabled by an oblivious family and a staff paid to keep mum, and is finally busted in a headline-making scandal.
Surprised? No. The only shocker is that more wealthy, educated politicians aren't caught with their greasy little paws in our national cookie jar, buying prostitutes and drugs and rough-trade "massage therapists" and whatever else they need to get their freak on after a long day of sticking it to their constituents. The only thing that raised my eyebrow in New York ex-governor Spitzer's case is the $4,300 he reputedly spent in one single night, since that sum is so out of line with the standard market rates for even the most complicated and risky sexual services. If Mr. Spitzer and his courtesan weren't sacrificing goats to Satan and drinking the blood of immortal damnation, he was being overcharged.
I'm curious what Spitzer thought he was getting for his alleged $80,000/year hoochie habit (well, they say you can't eat just one). I mean, beside the sex. Was it intimacy, or lack thereof? Did he have a freaky fetish he just couldn't bring himself to describe to his wife? Or was he actually trying to end his career in the most humiliating way possible, spawning ten thousand "Spitzer Swallows" captions in ten thousand blogs? I mean, if he couldn't get what he wanted at home, why didn't he just make like a French president and take a mistress? Why did he choose to break the law in a serial exhibition of staggering hypocrisy, offending the morals of millions of red-blooded Americans?
I think we have to look at the common perception that a hooker is somehow less trouble than a girlfriend. Let's do a Hooker vs Girlfriend run-down and see if the theory proves true, or if Spitzer can add smoking a daily bushel of crack to his list of sins.
Expense: Obviously Spitzer liked the luxury model, but a straight screw can be had in most major cities for about $150, if you're a bargain hunter. Dinner and a movie? Say $75, if you're not a total alcoholic and you pick ethnic over steakhouse. In the realm of expense, having a girlfriend will save you roughly $75 per bedroom romp.
Kink: If you want a pretty girl to take a dump on your chest, the win in this category goes to the hooker, without question. But for relatively normal freakazoid stuff, you'd be surprised what your girlfriend will do for you if you ask nicely. The activities I'll do for love are much more comprehensive than the relatively small menu of acts I'll perform for pay. *cough*ANAL *cough* *cough*. I'm gonna give the win to the girlfriend here (unless you're an Adult Baby, in which case I'm sorry, dude, but you're going to have to get used to paying for it).
Discretion: The girlfriend is more likely to call your wife. This may be a point for the hooker. Of course if you get caught in a police sting and your face is on the front page of the newspaper, this also blows discretion.
Safety: Worried about STDs? Surprisingly, in this category, the win goes to the hooker. Call girls are far more likely to be educated about sexually transmitted infections than non-professionals. They're used to using barriers and lube for all potentially unsafe activities, and most self-respecting prostitutes get full-spectrum STD testing every few months. Let's be serious: When was the last time you were tested for herpes, chlamydia, syphilis, gonorrhea, and HIV? Uh huh. Get thee to a clinic, player.
Intimacy: Your girlfriend's had a rough day. She snaps at you, then bursts into tears. You rub her back and later, you go to the mini-mart for a box of super-maxipads and a king-size bag of peanut M&Ms. Granted, this can be a bummer. Frequent intimacy can be exhausting and frustrating, whereas having sex with a prostitute is like masturbating, except that the person touching your penis cares about you a lot less. To some folks, lack of emotional accountability can be mighty seductive. In the end, though, I'm giving the point to the girlfriend here because I think that most people prefer to have sex with partners they love and trust, despite all the hassles inherent in any long-term relationship. And if I'm a dreamer, baby, let me dream on.
I think the Hooker versus Girlfriend smack-down leads us to a pretty decent conclusion, really—one that Spitzer really should have taken into account before wrecking his career and dishonoring his poor family: the best things in life are free, and if you are going to stray, do it with someone who isn't a paid professional. The sex'll be better, and you'll avoid being the target of nationwide schadenfreude, bad punning, and all-around social disgrace.
I may be wrong. But I know for damn sure the best things in life don't cost $4,300.
Surprised? No. The only shocker is that more wealthy, educated politicians aren't caught with their greasy little paws in our national cookie jar, buying prostitutes and drugs and rough-trade "massage therapists" and whatever else they need to get their freak on after a long day of sticking it to their constituents. The only thing that raised my eyebrow in New York ex-governor Spitzer's case is the $4,300 he reputedly spent in one single night, since that sum is so out of line with the standard market rates for even the most complicated and risky sexual services. If Mr. Spitzer and his courtesan weren't sacrificing goats to Satan and drinking the blood of immortal damnation, he was being overcharged.
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